Having a standard and lowering it to meet in the middle. These discussions are about adjusting your expectations.
At times theory and reality walk parallel to one another. It’s tough work negotiating. Looking for a win-win situation.
Disagreeing is essential to your own well-being. Especially if you won’t be able to live with the terms discussed. Regardless of how uncomfortable sharing this information can be.
A recently committed couple discuss future plans. Mortgage, marriage and children. Taking the relationship to the next level. There’s enthusiasm being caught up in these talks. At the time it sounds good and feels right.
Hours after the discussion irritation starts to build. One party isn’t sure anymore. It has begun to feel more like an obligation rather than embracing what seemed like logical steps forward.
It’s obvious that’s what partners do. Yet internally there’s an uneasy feeling rising within, demanding attention. Now these talks feel rushed. Maybe it’s was too soon to be making such plans.
Is this fear of the unknown or a commitment you’re not ready to embark upon?
The relationship is only six months old. You’re mother does not approve. Whispering gold digger in your right ear. A couple of your friends have been cold towards your partner. Not all is gelling. Yet you can’t remember ever feeling happier.
You’ve agreed verbally, but your actions show you’re not compromising at all.
Committing yet unaware that you’re afraid. Maybe you go on a bender. Flirt with someone you’ve just met. Consider more intimate actions. This isn’t your normal behaviour. You’re going off the rails because you are ill at ease with the talks.
Instead of discussing how torn you feel, you sabotage the relationship. Yet you want it. But you’re not sure. Then you mind is berating you for being such a chicken. The next moment you’re thinking about how wonderful life could be. Then you think of all the reasons why you shouldn’t go with it. Maybe your mother and friends are right. You go back and forth on the topic. You’re not rational.
The talks are done and it feels as if you agreed to too much. What then?
- Allow all the different thoughts to rise to the surface. Give it a day or two.
- First you have to decide if you want what you have agreed to. There’s no point discussing your options if you don’t know what they are.
- Write a list of all the pros and cons of the situation?
- See what comes of this inventory.
Everything is up for renegotiation.
You conclude that you do want it all. But there’s no hurry. You’re both committed.
You sit your partner down for further discussions. You’re eager to build a family and unite as a married couple. After careful consideration you suggest waiting for six to twelve months.
Your partner doesn’t agree. But understands where you’re coming from.
Value the relationship.
Learn to be an open and honest communicator. It’s essential to recognise your own needs. It’s just as important being able to express them.
Your familiar with how your partner will respond to certain information. Avoiding conversations because they may explode or become upset. While you can put these talks off, they should never be avoided.
Value and nurture the relationship enough to get into the nitty-gritty. Regardless of how you believe your partner will respond. Leaving things unsaid is a bad habit in a relationship. We get lazy because we can’t be bothered dealing with this part of their personality.
You describe a situation where you did not like your partners behaviour. Saying. ‘When you act like this, I feel embarrassed. It creates a situation where I’m uncomfortable.’
Now you know your partner is going to flip. Let them rattle on. Once they have finished talking over you, airing their madness. Continue. Go back over the conversation. Make them own their behaviour so that you can compromise on it. Don’t avoid it because it’s uncomfortable or because you know they are going to be angry.
They may feel your being over dramatic. However the matter has to be addressed. Your partner feels a certain negative emotion. Your not enemies so you naturally want to get to the bottom of it and find a way forward.
Not every topic is easily discussed. Prolonging a truth can be far more harmful than the initial talks.
Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate. – J.F Kennedy
Look upon these conversations as challenges rather than some daunting process. This is your mate turned lover. The person you rely on. When the stakes are high, your partner is by your side. Learn to keep them informed with what’s going on in that noggin of yours. No holding back. If you’re going to live out a life with this person, bare it all.
When you’re in love and eager to keep the relationship alive, compromise is a small fraction of the deal. Respect yourself so you can share the same respect with your partner.When you’re in love and eager to keep the relationship alive, compromise is a small fraction of the deal.@thedigger0 Click To Tweet
What you should never compromise on.
- When an issue is playing on your mind. Don’t let the subject go unaddressed for long periods of time. Never wait until an argument has started to wage war with this new problem.
- Just because your partner does not agree, does not mean you have to change. He/she does not like one of your friends. You agree this individual is a handful. You’re not about to give up on this person because you’re partner has taken a disliking to them.
Your other half has asked that you stop seeing your friend. This would not be up for negotiation. This is a warning sign. Would they appreciate the same conditions placed upon them?
You might agree to keep your friend from the family home as much as possible. You’ll meet at cafes or bars. However, if on the odd occasion they do turn up your partner is to be polite.
- An affair. You have decided to become exclusive, yet you are seeing someone else.
Some things just fall into place no compromise required.
Who does the house work, who mows the lawns? These fall into gender specific tasks. It doesn’t have to work like that. The female is a green finger and the male loves to cook.
If its affordable you hire others to do the housework, laundry, ironing and lawns. Reducing your work load and keeping others employed.
The important talks
While sports are on – its game time. It’s not time to talk about deep emotions. Whilst amongst this discussion the male did request their partner play waitress. Where drinks and food were constantly supplied. Nibbles should be served in a maid outfit.
Sports matters have been agreed upon. However the food and beverage service was ruled out of the negotiations. Although it got a smile. A glint of excitement was sited in your partner’s eye.
Before sitting down to watch the match, said male has to fulfil his responsibilities around the house before relaxing. The Girly nights out will continue. Even when it leaves her a little irritable and hungover the following day.
Compromise it’s not all bad.
Moving forward. Give up a few things to make progress. These things may be missed but you can live without them.
Negotiating and budgeting your weekly spending allowance. He wants more beer money. His Man Cave is in need of a few added fixtures and decorations.
She wants more shoes. Her home office requires an update. The computer both parties use needs to be upgraded.
The girl tuts to the more beer. The males laughs at the shoe allowance. Half the bedroom is racked with boxes of shoes she can’t possibly wear in this life time. Instead of disregarding each-others wants; the compromise is a weekly allowance.
How you spend your pocket money is up to you. He can have more beer. She can buy as many shoes as she likes. Now she does not have to hide receipts or make excuses when the courier delivers her new Jimmy Choo’s.
You both decide on moving to a bigger house. This will increase the mortgage. You’ve calculated how much you can borrow.
Proceeding as planned, filling out the loan forms and producing expected documentation. The approval amount is far less than expected.
This new expense reduces both your allotted allowances. It’s a tough decision because that Man Cave is such a proud work of art. Males’ mates declare him champion of toys.
You love to watch his friends building him up like this. He pushes his torso out in front of him becoming pigeon chested. It’s a proud moment to be labelled in this fashion.
You too are aware of the sacrifices. Your girl friends are envious of your shoes and wardrobe. Always commenting on your style. You automatically push your hair back behind your ear pretending it’s nothing. Thinking that piece of clothing you bought at thrift shop really was a bargain.
You would love a bigger house but you enjoy your life style. You tweak the budget and play around with the figures. It’s too long term to go without. It will feel like living to work. The life you have now makes the both of you happy.
But your partner really wants this move and is willing to make all the sacrafices. You’re not prepared to do this and that is final. Where do you go when no terms are negotiable? Look for common ground.
- A new saving plan could be decided upon. Living in the same house for a couple of years longer, reducing the loan.
- Your partner may agree that it’s a great idea. However they would have preferred to change sooner as she feels claustrophobic. Between the both of you every corner in your home is filled.
Sometimes in life, you do things you don’t want to. Sometimes you sacrifice, sometimes you compromise. Sometimes you let go and sometimes you fight. It’s all about deciding what’s worth losing and what’s worth keeping. – Lindy Zart
When compromise isn’t suitable. What happens if you agree to the terms yet every part of your mind, body and soul says – it’s unacceptable. What do you do then?
Only agree to terms when you know you can live with them. They should never be conditions that are regrettable in the future. If you felt pressured into the agreement you won’t be able to live with it anyway.
What to do when you can’t reach a compromise. It’s crunch time. Big decisions have to be made. Never ignored. Not discussing the tough stuff does not mean there’s no elephant in the room. It has the capacity to get in the way of everything. Resentment can build.Not discussing the tough stuff does not mean there’s no elephant in the room. Click To Tweet
Wrapping it up.
Some talks both parties will glide through. They don’t even seem like you had to meet in the middle. Then there are other times where the compromise is a heavy burden. Time for renegotiation. Making adjustments is what life is about, but not to the point where you can’t live with yourself.
The art of compromise is a skill to equip yourself with. So too is flexibility in a relationship.The art of compromise is a skill to equip yourself with. So too is flexibility in a relationship. Click To Tweet
Not all conversations will be intense and feel difficult to share. Invest time in all discussions. Don’t hold back because you’re afraid of hurting, upsetting or angering your partner. This should never be the reason why you’re leaving stuff out.
The relationship tango doesn’t always run smoothly. The dance of love is not always in harmony. You have to stand on a few toes whilst in practice.
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