Are You the Reason Your Relationship is Over?

Kissing Couple - RelationshipDoes the heart weigh more when we are in love?  It feels so full of happiness that we think it may explode.  Radiating like a neon light. When our relationships are going well they have the power to lift us up, give us a leap in our walk, the sky seems bluer and life a mystical magical journey.

However, other times our relationships seem like nothing more than hard-work and we would rather criticise, abuse or avoid the other person rather than address the core issues.

The committed relationship.

Believe it or no; you struck a deal with your partner when you committed to each other.  Back in the day when verbal agreements and a hand shake were as good as signing your name to a contract, the deal was sealed.

When both parties make this promise; they offer to share their most valuable assets: – their heart and mind.  You have decided to become partners in crime.  Sharing these cherished yet vulnerable commodities is not only saying, ‘I love you’, but ‘I trust you with everything I have’.

A union of this magnitude has the power to make you rise above the trivial and make you see the world in a rainbow of colors.  It’s a big responsibility and one that should not be taken lightly, ever!

Because this joint venture also has the power to mentally reduce you to nothing, finding it hard to breath and fight another day.  You try to remember when this relationship started to become difficult, doing nothing more than decreasing your energy levels with negativity.  Wondering if you can ever come back from it.

Time to review the relationship.

There are going to be tough times.  We are realists, history shows us that we roll with the punches, through the good and bad times.

When life beats you about, gives you a thrashing and turns your world upside down, your partner says, ‘we will fight this battle together.  I want you to share your burdens and difficulties.  When you hurt, I fight to right what is wrong’.

But when you feel burdened by your partner, it is time to start asking some questions and fast.  These conversations NEED to be had:-

  • When you start feeling as if your partner is the enemy.
  • When you feel heavily burdened rather than feeling light hearted.
  • When you maybe avoiding your partner.
  • When you would rather be anywhere else but by the side of the person you once declared your love to.

Settling into routine.

When we begin a relationship, it’s a time where we can’t keep our hands off one another.  Some refer to it as the rabbit stage.  While there is discrepancies in the research, it has been noted that this stage has the potential to last anywhere between three months and two years.

Then we start to settle into a routine.  There are many jokes that surround this time.  You’re ball and chained to domesticity or you are under the thumb.  There is a myth that you get less sex at this stage of the relationship.

Regardless of the research or how our sexual prowess naturally slows down.  If you want to ensure the intimacy in your partnership remains a blast you put an effort into it.  It is as simple as that.

We can make a whole lot of excuses to ourselves on this subject.  I don’t have time, I’m tired or we’re fine.  Yet we always find time for the things we want to do.  You want to keep the fire alive because it benefits the both of you.

You’re not motivated by fear of your partner straying because sex is withheld.  You’re not doing it out of duty.  You’re putting in an effort, even on those days or nights when you may have other pressing issues, showing your partner they are a top priority.  This one act of love making, you both share with nobody else, should never be taken for granted.

Magazines make a fortune continually discussing this area where we go from rabbits to habits.  An example of a title is: How to keep the bedroom antics alive and well.  We all have our own opinions on the subject of sex, love and intimacy.  However this part of the relationship requires a whole lot of consideration, not routine, not obligation but determination.

If you are exercising on a regular basis yet are too tired to be intimate with your partner there are underlying issues.  This area requires further investigation.

Could you imagine going to the gym and working out for an hour but you don’t have the capacity to share five minutes to a half an hour with your partner several times a week.

Exploring each other and working up a sweat, produces endorphins, serotonin, pheromones and others feel good chemical running through your body, tightening the muscles in the body and is a workout in its own right.  Please note there are many more chemicals that sexual intercourse produces however the scope of this post is to present a point.

Understand how both you and your partner wind down after a day of full activity.

Be aware of how you prefer to unwind after a busy day.  We all handle the stressors of the day differently.  When you get home you may:-

  • Walk in the door to your sanctuary and have a shower.
  • Turn the music on, pour a drink and just pan out for some time.
  • Go in search of your partner for a hug, kiss and a good natter.

This has no bearing on how you feel towards your partner.  Understanding how you shut the door on your day can save arguments, disappointment or expectation.

The hidden argument.  Recognising the core of the issue.

We say good bye to our partners in the morning.  They do their thing and you do yours.  Someone has to bring in the dough right?

A phone call causes an irritation but you deal with it.  You arrive at a parking lot and someone steals your spot.  You attempt to negotiate but this person is so rude you just move on.

Then your boss is an unapproachable jerk and instead of telling your partner about your day at work, you decide that you are going to argue with them.  You don’t do this consciously but you are frustrated at your day and now it’s your turn to off load some steam, exactly the way your boss did to you.

This is a very subtle and slow relationship killer.  These hidden or confused areas where we use our partners as verbal punching bags for the frustrations we faced outside of the relationship.  We take our problems out on the one person who is there for us when we have issues.  Unaware that we’re still angry at the situation that happened during the day, when your loved one was not around.

Your partner could have been your sounding board.  Someone you share your shitty day; rather than raise trivial matters to get an argument started.  Don’t forget your partner is on your side.  The person who loves you and generally does not go out to cause these annoyances.

Recognise when you are looking for a fight.  We have the capacity to lean on our partners in the most negative of forms.  Abusing the relationship without us even knowing about it.  We just are not in the mood to tolerate what is generally of little consequence.  These are warning sign that something within you is not balanced.

Some telling points are:

  • Showering and leaving the wet towel on the floor. This drives you crazy but you recognise this as a trivial matter, yet on an unbalanced day where things have not gone right – you want to argue about this.
  • The rubbish bins have not been taken out and you are sick of asking for it to be done.  What am I your mother or wife? Yet on other days, you would rather take the bins out anyway.

Nurture not torture.

Our relationships our precious yet precarious, leaving ourselves open to the vulnerability of pain and heart ache.

There is nothing more complimentary than your partner wanting to hang out because they enjoy you, not because they have to, or need to.  They just want to.

We need to nurture our relationships rather than dragging them through the mud.

We need to nurture our relationships rather than dragging them through the mud. Click To Tweet

Children have the potential to do this to some couples.  For years these partners have devoted their time and energy to the kids.  They forgot to nurture their own relationship and once the offspring leave the nest there is nothing holding the relationship together.

Let’s accept it right here and now; loving our partners at times can be hard work.  A relationship requires maintenance.  Yes you read it right – relationships need a service like a car demands a tune up.

It is necessary to know when to communicate and a when to use a healthy method of AVOIDANCE.

At times, topics are so raw that we need to step away from them and not immediately discuss highly fueled issues.  Talking about everything when it arises, in the heat of the moment can create heartache, confusion and sorrow.  At points where our emotions are turbulent we have no equilibrium and we generally don’t address the main areas of concern.

We have heard it time and time again.  Nit-picking, nagging or a constant barrage of criticism has the potential to ruin a relationship.  This is not love, this is verbal abuse.  It’s controlling and manipulating.

Bringing up the past and using something that happened months ago as ammunition.  If you want to keep your relationship going, stop trying to wage wars against your partner.  You’re not your spouse’s ruler, boss or keeper.  You are partners in crime, you walk side by side.

Communication

Open communication is necessary.  Sometimes you have to put everything aside and have the tough talks.  You have to invest time in the uncomfortable topics.  The words left unsaid can be the cause of an eroded relationship.  Remember we can say anything, it is how we say it.

The words left unsaid can be the cause of an eroded relationship. Remember we can say anything, it is how we say it.… Click To Tweet

These conversations are heavy duty and they can drain us due to hurt and anger.  Yet without these urgent conversations relationships start to fray and before you know it you’re sleeping with the enemy.

We have seen it in the movies and at restaurants.  There are comfortable silences between a couple where you know they’re happy just being with one another.

Then there are the couple that have nothing left to say to one another.  You wonder how they ever got to this stage.  Why did they leave the unspoken for so long?  Their relationship is over but they stay together because of money, fear of starting over or better the devil you know.

We avoid the tough talks for two reasons.

  • We don’t know ourselves well enough to address what is really at the core.
  • We’re too scared to discuss matters that we may not like the answers to.


Are you the reason your relationship is over?

Time to look at what you are able to live with.

We are not going to value all the attributes and characteristics of our partners. But the things that irritate us, do require thorough examination.

Acceptance.

We all have different practices and styles of doing things.  You may wash and dry the dishes one way and your partner method is so unusual.  This does not mean it is wrong.  If they are being done, what is the problem?  We make adjustments even if we don’t appreciate the procedure.

So we accept that our partners way maybe time consuming or a silly way of doing things but this is something you can live with; without it driving you crazy.

Compromise.

Compromise actually means that you have to give something up or extend yourself further, to meet in the middle.  It certainly rectifies the initial problem, but we can never see compromise as easy.  Because we have to adjust something to get there.

What if we have agreed to terms under false pretences?  We thought we could meet half way yet, our mind and body are rejecting the terms.  The talk is not over and if you ignore it somewhere down the line there will be another issue.

Stuff you just won’t live with. 

Some issues are so big that we will never be able to live with them.  This acknowledgement is acceptable however it becomes crunch time.  Deciding if the relationship can continue.  Examples are:  A philanderer, addiction, gamblers or someone who works away for long periods of time.

Questions and triggers.

Relationships hit rocky patches.  Words are not always said or left unsaid.  When do you decide that the storm requires discussion, because this will not sort itself out?

When your home is no longer a sanctuary and avoiding your spouse has become a regular part of your routine.  This is a big warning sign.

There is a difference between knowing you are in trouble because you forgot an anniversary, you did not pick up the groceries, or you stayed out late with your mates drinking.  You acknowledge you have to deal with consequences.

But when you no longer want to be around your partner it is time to talk and attempt to work it out.  You don’t want to leave this hanging in the air.  Long periods of silence can form a very unhealthy habit.

This is the time to decide which movie you want to be in.  The couple sitting in uncomfortable silence or the partners that enjoy the quiet amongst one another.

There is nothing wrong with being angry. What you do with anger can have profound impact on those around you.

There is nothing wrong with being angry. What you do with anger can have profound impact on those… Click To Tweet

How long is it healthy to be angry at someone before it turns into normal behaviour?

These talks can only be achieved when trust is in the relationship.  If you are doubting the words from your partner’s mouth then you are at the end of the road anyway.

When trust is lost, attempting to come back from that is one of the hardest quests made of anyone. Most of the time if trust has disappeared the relationship has suffered turbulent times.  There is sadness and bitterness hanging around.

Some relationships have a used by date.

When we walk down the aisle we a have the best of intentions of remaining in this relationship.  We are determined not to become a statistic of divorce.  We are going to give it our all.

We suspect that other couples just did not try hard enough, that is why there is so much separation and divorce.  You refuse this option.  Forever is forever.

As humans we are continually growing and transforming ourselves as individuals.  Do you really want to remain in a stale relationship?  Our situations change, the unthinkable can happen and our paths are windy.  There are so many variables that come into play.

Once you recognise that some repairs can’t be easily fixed, acknowledge you have done your best.  Of course you did not set out in this relationship for it to end, but putting life on hold to remain unhappy is making a choice.

Unconditional Love.

Not too many of us attain this heightened state.  This acceptance.  It is a word that we use, we know what it means, but it is not that easily reached.  We are humans and we love until our heart aches with either joy or pain.

We can easily be affected by one interaction.  We attempt not to judge someone yet if they have an impact on us; it is hard to say. ‘I understand you and your actions’ – especially when we are hurt.

But we can always attempt to achieve this comfortable balance where bliss lives.  Because this is a place where we accept all, where we do not judge, we are unaffected by others.  We really embrace their good, their bad and their ugly.

In Conclusion

Love can lift us up, it is one energy that has such a wonderful power running through us.  We feel it with every part of our being.

To keep a fire burning, we need to continually add wood and clear away the old ashes.  When we work at these simple yet regular tasks, we enjoy the benefits of the fire.

Then why is it that when we form habits in relationships, we forget that a fire requires constant maintenance to keep it alight.  It is only when both partners appreciate the warmth of the fire that they acknowledge a small amount of work will bring many hours of joy.

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26 Comments

  1. Hi Rachel,

    Wonderful post indeed 🙂

    Relationships have to be nurtured as I’ve always mentioned in most of my relationship posts, as I believe in it myself – things really don’t work otherwise.

    I liked all that you mentioned in such detail, and you are right about it all. Things are very different when you get into a relationship and later they change, and in fact, keep changing further once you have kids and even after that – such is life. But what matters most is how you maintain and keep your relationship with your spouse – there has to be mutual give and take in any relationship. Don’t let the fire die no matter what!

    One thing that always works is open talks or communicating your feelings, good or bad in any relationship, which I know resolves all issues. If only people would understand this simple fact, there would never be any issues.

    Yes, acceptance and compromise are huge factors, without which its tough to move ahead in any relationship. Yet again, to expect only one side to do the needful is wrong. Mutual respect, love and care are more factors that are required, or else your relationship is bound to suffer.

    Thanks for sharing this with us. Have a nice week ahead 🙂

    PS – I think the CommentLuv went overhead this time..lol..needs to be fixed I guess 🙂

    • Hey Harleena,

      You know I am annoyed at myself. All week while I was writing this post, I thought about you and using your relationship material to link to this post. And yesterday, feeling the pressure of my own time constraints I skipped out on this opportunity. I have read several of your relationship posts, enjoyed them and two from memory would have been ideal to back up my points.

      Because of this constant changing and transforming within us – we need to continually check in with our partners. I would rather not schedule these talks but that works for some. I like to hope that I have the ability to address most issues, even if I have to prepare for them before I do. Because communication is the key.

      Harnessing that fire with mutual respect is about demonstrating through action and words how we feel about one another within a relationship. I agree we have to not only talk about the tough stuff but really embrace the positive factors, a balance between the both.

      I see a relationship like play dough, we get to mold it anyway we like. When we first work with play dough, we make stuff that is okay but the more we play with it, the better we get with creating what we want from it. That is also communication the more we use it to work to bring a fair balance to the relationship the better we get at it. Thanks for your great feedback. Talk soon.

      Rachel.

      P.S – I put Commentluv on due to your advice, jumped to it when you mentioned that it was missing and now I will have to work out how to put it where it should be. But the fact that it is back is a relief. LOL and thank you for sharing with me.

  2. Excellent post, Rachel.

    You have clearly put a lot of effort into this article and you are highlighting some very important points.

    Not only do I agree with Harleena that communication is very important, but also the fact which comes out clearly from your article, that there need to be mutual respect and commitment. That cannot be stresed enough. That will eventually lead to a solid foundation of mutual trust, as you also point out.

    As you rightfully say, any relationship needs to be worked at. It is not going to happen by itself. I think by now I’m qualified to say that (we have just celebrated our 30 th wedding anniversary two days ago). There is such a lack of commitment today, and the children are normally the parties to pay the biggest price.

    I feel that another important factor is to spend time doing stuff together. Just spending some quality time together, sharing your thoughts, and just having a good time is an excellent way of staying in touch. When there is no time for one another because both parties are to busy with their own agenda, creates the danger of starting to drift apart.

    Thanks for addressing this important issue that so many people are facing today, Rachel. We need to talk about it more. Job well done!

    • Hey Jaco,

      Firstly congratulations on your thirty year marriage. You really are one that we can come to with relationship issues. When I think of this many years together I see love, laughter, tears, heartache shared. It tells me you went through the good and bad times.

      Solid foundations and mutual respect are key to everlasting relationships, mixed with a team work attitude. I notice trust in relationships between couples with how they interact with one another.

      I think we have hit a time where choice to leave because times are tough has lead to more separation. We forget that we need to fight for what is ours and that is our partners. We know that our lives are going to filled with many joys but we are also all to aware that hard times will show up. And I think the stresses life creates are what either make or break us as a couple. But our relationships strengthen when we get through them together, leaning and supporting on one another.

      Wanting to be with your partner, especially after thirty years highlights such a wonderful friendship. It is truly admirable. Thanks for your feedback. Talk soon.

      Rachel.

  3. Hi Rachel,

    Such a nice article. It really digs deeper into one’s relationship.
    I truly agree with all your points, but according to me the spirit to realize that you love the person & want to solve the issue is most important. You are very correct in saying that – you always have the time for what you really want to do. We need to keep our intentions clear.
    If we love the good things in that person, also we have the capability to bear the ugly. After-all we are the “partners in crime” 🙂
    So keep the fire alight & it will definitely lighten your world 🙂

    • Hey Manidipa,

      That spirit you speak of is at the very essence of all relationships. When we love with all our hearts we want to solve issues, we want to love, support, cry and laugh, basically we want to share our all. That is very exciting, however keeping that feeling and vision is what we need to maintain and this is done with communication, compromise and self-awareness. When we get sloppy with ourselves it impacts on those around us.

      Isn’t love blind when we first get into a relationship we just adore everything our partner does or overlook the other stuff because that love is so strong. But it’s the ugly bits that we need to examine because we have to logically manage how we deal with them. Ignoring them is not an option for long term forecasts, we must acknowledge them and then see how we will adapt. Our partners are always worth the time.

      Talk soon.

      Rachel.

  4. Hi Rachel,

    I had spent a lot of time in the past taking things out on my partner, nit picking and emotionally reacting to everything.
    Eventually, I decided it was time to grow up.

    It’s tough to even know when it’s a good time to have a meaningful discussion – about anything – when everything becomes dramatic.

    These days, after quite a bit of self-reflection, I now remember to take an observer stance as often as possible. It isn’t always so easy to remove yourself from over reacting to someone when they push your buttons…but it’s necessary if a relationship is going to work.

    “There is nothing wrong with being angry. What you do with anger can have profound impact on those around you. How long is it healthy to be angry at someone before it turns into normal behaviour?”

    This is so true. Something I have also learned to be cognizant of. Getting clear on things allows us to have a much better idea of what the actual problem is – and how to discuss it from a place of desiring peace and resolution. It takes constant awareness, but it’s rewarding.

    Great post 🙂

    • Hey Dana,

      I had a similar experience to you. My first serious boyfriend got the temper I learnt from the family unit. I was a master nit picker and was an emotionally unstable young woman. But I was lucky to have read a book called ‘Loving Relationships’ by Sondra Ray (I don’t often remember names but this book was the start of a self development path that would take me on years of personal awakenings. I was very hard on myself and those around me). I now nurture the wonderful relationship I have with myself and then others. How I interact with others now is very much a reflection of how much I value myself.

      The tough talks are not easy. I prepare for them and then wait for a moment when there will be no disturbances so that I can express and then listen. When everything becomes dramatic we have to see one issue on its own, not a whole lot of problems together because we can’t sort out everything just one problem at time.

      Being the observer tells me that you are in a wonderful place mentally – it does not mean life will always be smooth, but it does mean you trust the experience you have gained and found the best way to deal with issues.

      Anger is an emotion that should never be ignored nor feared because it tells us something is important and maybe urgent. But anger at its peak is only for a couple of minutes, but takes a lot of energy, so we know if we can keep our opinions from coming out in those moments we will be able to communicate this issue soon enough. Thanks for your comments.

      Rachel.

  5. What a wonderful post Rachel!

    My first marriage was a total fail and we both played a part in it. The reason I wasn’t willing to work on it because he was abusive. I’m not saying I was at fault but I know I could have stayed clear from him when he was in a bad mood instead of pushing the issue. Eventually, I realized it was only going to get worse so I high tailed it out of there. 🙂

    With my now hubs, I’ve totally nutured my relationship. We communicate and we fight fair – talk instead of yell and without accusations or hurtful words.

    You are right, there is nothing wrong with being angry…it’s how we handle it that counts.

    Great post Rachel! Hope you’re enjoying this week!

    Cori

    • Hey Corina,

      Thanks for sharing your personal journey. As soon as abuse is apart of the relationship you have a very one sided partnership. Not because you needed to change or be held responsible or at fault, that does not even come into it. Abuse does not account for the other person. I am so glad you left, it is a brave move.

      The statement ‘we fight fair’, is impressive. Two different people forming a partnership there are bound to be disagreements. So not accusing or throwing out words that are said in the heat of the moment, keeps out the trivial and airs the real issues rather than being side tracked.

      Thanks for you comments, most appreciated.

      Rachel.

  6. Such a great post. I agree with so many of the points that you made. Marriage, and any relationship really, require a lot of work to keep it going and healthy. I really like the fire analogy. Communication and compromise are two of the most important in my mind.

    • Hey Shann,

      I agree, all relationships require nurturing and honesty. Our relationships with a our live in partners has a lot more pressure. Both people are expected to be all rounders. What I mean by that is our friends give us different things, some we rely on emotionally, others are the go-to for fun, some are the best cooks so we go to them for a feed. When we are in our moods we select the friend we are going to hang out with, but we don’t get that at home.

      I learnt that fire analogy from a spiritual book that I read years back, but I took the lesson away because I thought it was valuable.

      Thanks for you comments.

      Rachel.

  7. What a wonderful insightful post!
    I completely agree with you especially when it comes to communication! Communication is so important in any relationship but ESPECIALLY a romantic one! It’s not always easy but being open, up front and honest definitely pays off and is so so important

    • Hey 204 Park,

      I could not agree with you more when you say communication pays off. The more we practice communicating what is difficult and uncomfortable the better get at it. So as our relationship develops so to do our communication skills. I never find the tough stuff easy, but I invest and believe in myself and my relationship – it deserves the best I can give it, so there for sharing it all is suitable. However on a happier note, we get to enjoy trust and bask in the love of a wonderful person. Two people trying to walk a path, hand in hand. Now that is something. Thanks for your comments.

      Rachel.

  8. Hi there Rachel!

    First of all I want to tell you that I am still single. 🙂 but your point makes sense a lot to me because I also have a relationship with my family and you are correct we must review our decisions and if we think that we commit wrong then the best move is to apologize.

    Overall, good points and I have plenty of nice advice got from it.

    God Bless,

    Eve of BloggerBux

    • Hey Eve,

      You are right any relationship requires give and take, with open communication. Reviewing your behaviour and apologizing is a mature way of handling issues if you feel you are in the wrong. Sometimes we even say sorry not because we were wrong but because other need to hear it. Thank you for your comments.

      Rachel.

  9. A lot of great points! You may really enjoy reading two of my favorite books by Shaunti Feldhahn “For Women Only” and “For Men Only”. It dives into relationships, and how we think differently, process relationships, etc.

    • Hey Kelsie,

      I will have a look for the books you suggested. I do enjoy the complexity of human behaviour. Men and woman do think very differently don’t they – but that is why we are like jig saw puzzles, sometimes its hard to find which piece goes where. When we do find the pieces that go together we feel a sense of satisfaction. Thanks for your comments.

      Rachel.

  10. Wow! What a in depth post! I wish more people would write like you do about this subject. Relationships are not easy and we are always thrown curve balls. Lately, a new baby has been a curve ball in my 6 year marriage and my hubby just doesn’t understand that when he gets home from work that I am tired after being home with the new baby and 3 year old all day. It has caused numerous fights. I think he is just missing the attention he used to get. I am working on having more energy for when he gets home so I can at least cuddle on the couch but I swear, I am just falling asleep!! This shall pass, I know, but for now it is tough!

    • Hey Christine,

      Firstly congratulations on your new little addition to the family. However the new bubs has changed the routine you all were very well adjusted to. The arguments highlight issues are important and require examination. This can be done through communication. However in saying this, with your hands full as a mother who is sleep deprived finding time for communication can be very tricky. Because the serious talks can’t be stopped and started to clear up this distance.

      There is no easy solution because you have to find what is going to work for you. Some options are – having someone you trust come in if only for a couple of hours so you and hubby can go for a meal (I know you are tired). But I can’t stress enough that this communication can’t wait. Especially if these arguments were not something of a regular nature in your relationship before bubs arrived. Now I know mothers just don’t want to do this. I get it. And you must be feeling a little frustrated that your man is not understanding how you feel. So there are several hours you both require together for this major discussion because you are both worth it, but so are those special little people in your life.

      Another option is writing a letter. Because you can do this when you have time, stop and then start again. When he takes his work shoes off, put a little note in there saying, “can’t wait to see you tonight” or special communication that will put a small on his face. Maybe a text throughout the day saying, thinking of you, but my mind is tired.

      As the carer of the household you know this man well enough to be able to pinpoint what his issue are and do work arounds. Its hard to have sexy time when you have baby puk on your shirt and your hair has not been washed for a couple of days and you are asleep on your feet. He just needs a few little feel good things before the big talk. Let me know if you want to nut it out a little more. Thanks for sharing.

      Rachel.

  11. Hey Rachel, this is a subject you’ve obviously spent a lot of time thinking about! I agree, compromise is an important factor in any healthy relationship – as long as both parties feel seen, heard and loved.

    You’ve done a great job pointing out the later signs of when a relationship is falling apart. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the earliest signs. Maybe this post will inspire me to write my own post about this subject. I think both are important.

    One sentence in this post really caught my attention: What if we have agreed to terms under false pretences? I’m curious to hear more about this!!

    Great post, Rachel ????

    Jenn

    • Hey Jenn,

      Thanks for your feedback.

      I encourage you to write a post on this subject – because the more people sharing their own style on this complex union the more reach it has in getting the word out for others increasing their understanding about relationships.

      The early signs of trouble in a relationship are some of the toughest. Because we are in love, we recognise a few little issues along the way, but we don’t want to bring them up as we are basking in a loved up state of mind. It really is a juggling act. I have heard it before, ‘you thought it was funny or you did not seem to mind it in the beginning’.

      Compromise – when relationships are under strain and both parties are feed up or tired of the fight, sometimes we come to terms just to get some sort of balance back. We are not thinking about the long term sacrifices of the deal we have just brokered. There are plenty more examples. Might be another posts. Thanks. Great seeing you. Talk soon.

      Rachel.

  12. Hey Rachel,

    I’m not sure why the ???’s posted to my last comment. Sorry about that. I do like the post.

    The early signs are there, but I think it’s a matter of listening to and trusting your gut. Often it’s easier when looking back after the end of a relationship to see them. Because you’re right! In the beginning we’re caught up in the flush of whatever new love looks like to that person.

    I love that you have put so much thought into this detailed post for all of us to read and gain insight from.

    I’d write a post about the early signs, but it wouldn’t fit with the theme of my blog. Maybe I’ll write it anyway and see if there’s a place for it somewhere.

    Another great read!

    Jenn

    • Hey Jenn,

      I am pretty thicked skinned these days. I was more thrilled by your visit and did not even consider ??? as an issue.

      Oh the early warning signs are certainly evident but who wants to say, ‘got a major issue here and I see a red flag’, when everything else is so enjoyable. However it is really the time to have a chat about it.

      Jenn I tell you if hindsight was a person – we would not be friends and I would have yelled at hindsight saying, ‘why on earth did you not show me sooner’.

      Any post that you can write on relationships should be shared even if not on your website. There are heaps of self-development blogs that would publish a post like this. Good luck and I don’t forget to share the URL, because I look forward to reading it.

      Talk soon.

      Rachel.

  13. Hi Rachel,

    Great topic to question. It’s always something to consider but not something that many people explore. You tend to thing it was the other person’s fault, like you have no growing to do.

    As I got older I began to consider the things that I’ve done that may have contributed to the demise of the relationship.

    You’ve included some great things to consider and think about when you have to examine your relationship.

    ~Lea

    • Hey Lea,

      Good to see you.

      It is so much easier to see others as responsible, it takes the pressure off us as individuals. If we don’t look at ourselves we will create cycle of repeated behaviour. That is what they mean by taking baggage into your new relationship.

      Lea taking responsibility and reflecting on a past relationship is amazing. Never under estimate how brave this is. We begin to examine ourselves warts and all. This can be a rather confronting time. Could you imagine right throughout the relationship that you thought the other party was at fault, to realise you were a major contributing factor in the separation. That can really shatter the illusion of who we are for a while, but it is the growing pains like this that ensure we change.

      Thanks for your comments. Talk soon.

      Rachel.

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